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The decision is stillīewildering today to Aoki, a fourth-generation Japanese American. Got to say his goodbyes,’ ” Aoki recalled. “I remember saying to my mother: ‘Why didn’t you let him know? He’s Was dying of stomach cancer in 1962, the doctor never informed the Guy Aoki, a civil rights activist with the Media Action Network forĪsian Americans, said that when his grandfather, who grew up in Hawaii, Norm in Asian cultures, but they also aren’t unheard of. Family stories like that of “The Farewell” aren’t the The more I talked to people about the film, the less foreign its To one’s self.” Billi’s relatives have reached consensus about what’sīest for Nai Nai and, by extension, for the family as a whole. In the film, Billi’s uncle sums it up this way when his niece isĬontemplating telling Nai Nai the truth: “You think one’s life belongs Parent would say you’re embarrassing my family,” Mio said. Society a parent might say you’re embarrassing yourself, but an Asian “If you’re acting in a way that can embarrass you, in a Western The notion of saving face - maintaining dignity and control over one’s emotions - is largely derived from collectivism, an Eastern concept that no person is an island…ĭignity and control over one’s emotions - is largely derived fromĬollectivism, an Eastern concept that no person is an island we areĮach part of a shared consciousness and represent a group. Job of minimizing conflict, sparing the wooer’s feelings while making itĮasier for the person doing the rejecting. The indirect answer, though ambiguous, does a better The direct rejection sounds harsh and abrupt, which could make both Would never go out with you.” Or she could say, “I think I’m busy on The family members show their love for Nai Nai by keeping mum In the film, repressing truth is indirect communication taken to anĮxtreme. The family members show their love for Nai Nai by keeping mum about her condition. In the film, repressing truth is indirect communication taken to an extreme. Tell” manner and value the ability to decode indirect messages. So some Asian cultures prefer communicating in a “show, don’t Eastern philosophyĮmphasizes balance and harmony, and indirect communication minimizesĬonflict. What’s not said is more important than what is said. In indirect communication, also known as high-context communication,
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“It isn’t that Asians avoid difficult topics, but rather that Asians tend to have indirect communication,” Mio said.
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Psychology at California Polytechnic State University. I posed these questions to Jeff Mio, a professor of multicultural Why do we insist on creating the illusion that everything is OK? Some Chinese families solve problems, I wondered, why don’t we just putĮverything out in the open so everyone can have a say in a solution? And If Billi’s family and mine were any indication of how In front of Nai Nai, I lacked a clear sense of the cultural rationaleīehind the lies. While I could relate to Billi, who was instructed to hide her grief Relatives for dinner, we acted as a cohesive family, and I was told not Myįather did not move out he slept in a separate room. Instead, we pretended as though nothing had happened. We never had a discussionĪbout how things would change. What was most confusing was the aftermath. When I was a teenager, my parents, both immigrants, got divorced, and Not only did the story remind me of my ownįamily’s great lie, but it also reopened old wounds. But when I watched the film recently, I found it toīe incredibly powerful. The idea of concealing a health diagnosis was appalling to thisĬhinese American. When I first heard about “The Farewell,” the premise struck me asīizarre. They’re lying to avoid worrying each other, but that’s nothing compared with the core untruth, that Nai Nai (Zhao Shuzhen) has terminal lung cancer, and the family knows but won’t tell her. Anxiety over theĭiagnosis, Billi’s relatives argue, could kill her before the cancer. Lung cancer, and the family knows but won’t tell her. They’re lying to avoid worrying each other, but that’s nothingĬompared with the core untruth, that Nai Nai (Zhao Shuzhen) has terminal Billi, in chilly Brooklyn, assures Nai Nai that There are the petty lies that Billi (Awkwafina), a Chinese AmericanĪrtist in New York, and Nai Nai, her grandmother in China, tell each Many people of East Asian descent may be fluent in this code. That flow from their mouths smoothly and deliberately, as if they are From the moment “The Farewell” opens, its main characters tell lies